There are a lot of blog posts and guides about handling the holiday season with toxic or unhealthy family members. Every single one I read always suggests spending time with friends instead of family but I never see any suggestsions for people who do not have friends or family that they enjoy during the holidays. I wanted to try and fill in the gap in and give some tips I use to navigate the holidays when you do not have good friends and may or may not have to spend time with family.
So whether you have no one to spend the holidays with or you are emotionally alone, keep reading to find ways to cope and enjoy the holidays regardless.
Accept the reality
It can be hard when you long for a group of healthy friends and a loving happy healthy family but one of the first steps to being okay around the holidays is accepting what you have. You dont have to be okay with it all the way but accepting that these people do not treat you the way you want to be treated is the first step. I think there are levels of toxicity that can be tolerated if you have to and other levels that should be avoided at all costs and that is going to look different for everyone. You have to make that choice and decide what is best for you. For me, I acknowledge the bad, how I am feeling and I also aknowledge the good. Most people are not 100% evil.
Make the most of your reality
After you have accepted your reality, the next step is to make the most of it. If you are spending the holidays totally alone, do something that you enjoy or something you always wanted to do or try. You can even do something you never usually do, something spontaneous. I like to try restaurants, recipes, wines, arcades, movies and excersises. Just be sure to plan around the holidays because some restaraunts and stores will be closed. If you like taking pictures, plan a solo photoshoot that is winter themed! Try and find anything that makes you truly happy and engage in it.
If you have to spend the holidays with toxic family, find a way to celebrate that makes you happy. For me, I like to decorate and plan the entire holiday by the hour so there is stuff to do all day from food to games and spending time outdoors. If there is idle time, it can give me too much time to sit and think and sit in heavy emotions and boredom. I love the details in the holidays like folding napkins and making name place cards for everyone and decorating. I am also in charge of the family picture which makes me happy to collect these memories for myself, the younger generation and family members who cannot join the festivities. So I suggest finding something that you can do to make celebrating fun.
Prepare boundaries
This is very important. If you know which buttons these people will press whether you are spending time with them or not, you must prepare yourself and your responses. For me, I have to prepare to ignore or call out their lack of logic in a way that doesnt start an arguement. And other times I like to find clever ways to quickly change the subject or shift the narrative. It may feel good to defend yourself and it may be necessary, but avoiding nasty back and forths where you say awful things back can help avoid people gaslighting you for defending yourself and making you look like the villain or the problem.
Lower your expectations
This is a big step for me. I always expect people to think and feel the way I do and they do not and it hurts me a lot more than it should. So this year and beyond I have challenged myself to keep my expectations low so that if things go awry, it will not hurt me as much. That can look like expecting snarky remarks and sass. It can look like no one wanting to spend time together or play games together. It can look like people fighting the schedule. It can even look like expecting chaos and being tired phsyically and emotionally. This helps me avoid being overwhelmed and if some of these things do not happen, I feel better because the negative event I was preparing for never happened and I get to save my energy.
Vent then practice gratitude
Express yourself, feel your emotions, be bitter about your situation and cry it out but dont let those thoughts linger. It is very important to not keep your feelings pent up. You are entitled to how you feel and do not let anyone tell you not to be upset. I like to vent in a journal but sometimes I film a video diary of me venting and crying when I am not in the mood to write or type my thoughts. Some people argue that venting is not effective and can make your emotions worse. So, after venting I like to acknowledge my feelings by telling myself that I am okay and that I am doing my best. I also like to pay attention to where I am feeling my emotions or tightness in my body. I then like to take as many deep, slow breaths as it takes to calm down. I then like to practice gratitude by listing everything I am grateful for in that moment. It helps me stay balanced and not just focus on the horrible things going on in life.
Think about some other people in your family
It can be easy to just focus on yourself and ignore everyone else who may have similar circumstances and thoughts and feelings about those circumstances. I like to consider the emotions and feelings of my younger family members, who are going through similar issues with their family as I am. I like to think I can help them with my research and professional jargon but most kids that young just want to be heard, they want to be safe and they want to have fun. Putting some emphasis on making sure I handle them with care because thats what I wanted when I was a kid makes the holidays a lot less worse. Finding someone else to care for and focus on for a little bit can help ease the pain of your reality.
Remember, you are not the only one who feels this way
It is said time and time again but I think I am really grasping it now. There are many people with unhealthy, unhappy families, probably more than anyone will ever know. It can be easy to look around at everyone who seems to have great relationships with their families and many do. But everything that is shown on the internet is not the full picture and the reality is that many people have to stomach their family as well. It is good to remind yourself of the facts because the loniless of 'being the only one' can creep in and become a mountain to overcome. So just remember that there are other people who feel the same way, just read reddit.
Have a backup plan
I love planning and it has saved me in many situations. If everything is overwhelming and you cannot handle the issues during the holidays, have a backup plan. This could look like going out to take a drive or a walk. It could also look like hanging out with someone else whether a friend or a random date. Some bars might be open and some restaraunts too and maybe some stores but the only issue with the backup plan is if these places are closed for the holidays.
Prepare alone time to recover
After spending time with unhealthy people, it is necessary to plan a self care day alone to reinvigorate energy lost. I like to go out to eat alone and watch my favorite movies. I also like to do some pampering like getting my nails done or getting my hair done. Shopping also never hurt anybody but my pockets but a little trinket after the holidays is a good idea, especially with the holiday deals.
If all else fails, stay in your room
This is another great back up plan. You can tell your family you are not feeling well and just stay in your room all day. If you really want to maximize your time, grab some snacks the night before and store them in your room for your day long staycation. In your room, you can sleep all day, watch some shows, movies or YouTube videos. You can snack and listen to music. You can even listen to some podcasts or books until everyone is gone and you can go down later that night to get some leftovers. I personally love spending time alone so this is one of my favorite go to plans when I cannot take the toxicity. Sometimes, I bring a bottle of wine and sip on it and dance in the mirror like a true introvert.
The holidays can be rough for people with no family, unhealthy family and no friends. But with some grace and proper planning, we can survive another holiday season. So take time for yourself
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